If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
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There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
$3 #books
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??