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Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
The fall of Netflix
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.