Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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your honor my client chooses dare
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Monday
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
#Caturday
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*