I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The human personality is made of five key elements
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.