I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
oppen heimer style lol
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal