All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
me as a parent
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
im all 3
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song