I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
You Might Also Like
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what