If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
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It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My birth announcement for our third baby
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
british sex workers really pound for pound
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.