I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
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(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Breaking news:
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?