“What movie?” 🤔
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Never forget.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.