You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.