My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
lol
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.