I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I have obtained a hat
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I saw this ending much differently.