When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Finally!
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello