Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset