BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve