Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
rise and shine we got egg
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.