[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!