Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave