Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
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I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.