Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice