[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
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A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
a god among men
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving