I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.