I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.