I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
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Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.