Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
You Might Also Like
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.