Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
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[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.