There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
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From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
checking out some reviews of my local library
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
selfie game
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid