Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Science memes
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!