A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I just tested negative for patience.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.