What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it