Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate