My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
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[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing