Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
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“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
plums roundup
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
This is my bus stop.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.