I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
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ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.