Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
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i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”