I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
when you order from DoorDastardly
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life