The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this