‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Room with a view.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My first son he is wonderful
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.