I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read