If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.