Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.