Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent