Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
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Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened