me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
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4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
That’s enough internet for the day
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
the simulation is moving too fast
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.