Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.