Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
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Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”