[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.