First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
You Might Also Like
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited