My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
tinder is all about the long game
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]